Post by Zig on Aug 13, 2016 15:26:41 GMT -5
deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2016-baltimore-ravens-1784641312
Do you know how nice it is when this team has a lousy season and I don’t have to see them in the playoffs? I had no idea life could be so pleasant. It’s like taking in fresh mountain air for the first time. The sun shines a little brighter. The birds sing with a little bit more cheer. The water tastes just a bit crisper. No one gets stabbed to death. You guys should lose half your starters to injury more often. It’s fun to watch you morph into the leisurewear New York Giants.
Your coach: John Harbaugh. This team was subjected to some of the worst officiating in history last season, including a blown false start call that undeniably cost them a victory. Do you feel bad for them? AHAHAHAHAHAHA OF COURSE NOT. No one feels bad for John Harbaugh when he gets fucked over. I have about as much sympathy for him as I would for Peter Thiel getting cut off on the freeway.
The best part is that Harbaugh is still so bitter about the Patriots beating him with creative formations two years ago that he can’t let it go. First, he tried to use the same tactic against Arizona, only to have the officials (wrongly) deem it illegal. I swear the refs brought the play back just to see the look on that asshole’s face, and I don’t blame them.
And then, in the offseason, the team formally proposed that eligible linemen be forced to wear a fucking pinnie out on the field. That’s how unwilling the Ravens are to take the L. It’s remarkable. In this way, Harbaugh is just like Ravens fans: spoiled brats who harbor the worst inferiority complex on the East Coast; a bunch of purple camo-clad buttholes who keep grudges for so long they have to bequeath them to their surviving loved ones. Their paranoia is a self-fulfilling prophecy because they bitch ENDLESSLY about everything, which in turn compels the rest of the world (officials included) to want them cold and dead in the ground. If I were officiating a Ravens game, I would trip Joe Flacco myself.
Your quarterback: Joe Flacco. Imagine winning a Super Bowl and being remembered for a meme instead. At least Michael Jordan got to bask in the glory for a few decades before the Internet turned him into a crybaby.
Flacco, who tore his ACL last season, was just handed a three-year contract extension with $44 million in guaranteed money. Why hand that much money to a semi-elite monobrow with a gimpy leg? Well, thanks to Flacco’s LAST contract, he was due to take up nearly $30 million in cap room—cap room that could be used to, I dunno, purchase a lineman or two to keep his knee from being vivisected. So the Ravens ponied up $44 million just to free up $6 million in space. All told, Flacco has received over $96 million in guarantees in just eight seasons on the job. I dare you to find a more boring rich person. $96 million and this guy has probably spent ten bucks of it, all on oatmeal. What a fucking loser.
Behind Flacco is the notorious Ryan Mallett, who was cut last season by a team that couldn’t afford to cut any quarterbacks. He is a life raft with a giant hole in the side.
What’s new that sucks: REEFER MADNESS! Yes, after building a statue of Ray Fucking Lewis outside their stadium, drafting a guy who starved both his pet dog AND his pet alligator, and cutting ties with Ray Rice only after the rest of America discovered what he had done, this team has suddenly found religion. They openly admitted to passing over consensus No. 1 lineman Laremy Tunsil in the draft because they were scared off by his gas mask bong (they drafted Ronnie Stanley instead).
Then, in June, they cut lineman Eugene Monroe outright after he openly advocated for medicinal marijuana. He also sucked, but still: I dare you to find an organization outside of the Redskins that is clumsier when it comes to pretending to be ethical. Even Roger Goodell is more deft at hiding his shitbaggery. You’re not fooling anyone, Ravens. You are pure evil, and managing your roster like a scandalized soccer mom won’t erase the fact that you have built a lasting franchise identity around a guy who obstructed two murders and can’t dance.
In other news, the team signed Eric Weddle (good), Trent Richardson (AHAHAHAHA) and Mike Wallace (not good). Mike Wallace is a go route spoiled. And Breshad Perriman hurt his knee again. I worry that he might have chronic pain from all those knee injuries. Know what might help alleviate the pain?
Also, one of the cornerbacks died.
What has always sucked: Frankly, I’m still not over the fact that this franchise shouldn’t exist. Here we have a town that was robbed of its original team and, in a supreme act of tone-deafness, compensated for it by fucking over an even more beloved franchise. And what are we left with? The New Browns are a hideous impostor team that is terminally unable to stop shitting on its own shoes. And the Ravens are one of the most despicable franchises in sports. Did you know they even started their own pandering ladies fanclub called Purple? Yes, nothing bonds women together like burying the Ray Rice elevator video.
The existence of the Ravens is a wrong that will never be properly righted. The Browns are a comical mummy franchise, but the Ravens are a bunch of spoiled turds who win titles for a city that is most famous for letting cops use paddy wagons to play a real-life version of Mario Kart. If you need a clear sign that the world is a rotten place that isn’t worth fighting for, here you go. Fuck this team. You guys make the Steelers look like Pope Francis by comparison.
And you know what? FUCK DAVID SIMON, TOO. That’s right. I’ve had just about enough of that guy appointing himself Guardian of the Amendments. It was just a TV show, man. You are the rich man’s Nic Pizzolatto. Get the fuck outta my face.
Also, this defense is still an aging trainwreck. I think I spotted Terrell Suggs’s Achilles tendon on sale at a pawn shop last week.
What might not suck: You will not find a more obvious bounceback candidate for this coming season. If Stanley ends up being worth a shit and Flacco stays clean, the Ravens are a lock to win ten games and swipe a playoff spot from a cooler team. I hate them.
deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2016-baltimore-ravens-1784641312
Do you know how nice it is when this team has a lousy season and I don’t have to see them in the playoffs? I had no idea life could be so pleasant. It’s like taking in fresh mountain air for the first time. The sun shines a little brighter. The birds sing with a little bit more cheer. The water tastes just a bit crisper. No one gets stabbed to death. You guys should lose half your starters to injury more often. It’s fun to watch you morph into the leisurewear New York Giants.
Your coach: John Harbaugh. This team was subjected to some of the worst officiating in history last season, including a blown false start call that undeniably cost them a victory. Do you feel bad for them? AHAHAHAHAHAHA OF COURSE NOT. No one feels bad for John Harbaugh when he gets fucked over. I have about as much sympathy for him as I would for Peter Thiel getting cut off on the freeway.
The best part is that Harbaugh is still so bitter about the Patriots beating him with creative formations two years ago that he can’t let it go. First, he tried to use the same tactic against Arizona, only to have the officials (wrongly) deem it illegal. I swear the refs brought the play back just to see the look on that asshole’s face, and I don’t blame them.
And then, in the offseason, the team formally proposed that eligible linemen be forced to wear a fucking pinnie out on the field. That’s how unwilling the Ravens are to take the L. It’s remarkable. In this way, Harbaugh is just like Ravens fans: spoiled brats who harbor the worst inferiority complex on the East Coast; a bunch of purple camo-clad buttholes who keep grudges for so long they have to bequeath them to their surviving loved ones. Their paranoia is a self-fulfilling prophecy because they bitch ENDLESSLY about everything, which in turn compels the rest of the world (officials included) to want them cold and dead in the ground. If I were officiating a Ravens game, I would trip Joe Flacco myself.
Your quarterback: Joe Flacco. Imagine winning a Super Bowl and being remembered for a meme instead. At least Michael Jordan got to bask in the glory for a few decades before the Internet turned him into a crybaby.
Flacco, who tore his ACL last season, was just handed a three-year contract extension with $44 million in guaranteed money. Why hand that much money to a semi-elite monobrow with a gimpy leg? Well, thanks to Flacco’s LAST contract, he was due to take up nearly $30 million in cap room—cap room that could be used to, I dunno, purchase a lineman or two to keep his knee from being vivisected. So the Ravens ponied up $44 million just to free up $6 million in space. All told, Flacco has received over $96 million in guarantees in just eight seasons on the job. I dare you to find a more boring rich person. $96 million and this guy has probably spent ten bucks of it, all on oatmeal. What a fucking loser.
Behind Flacco is the notorious Ryan Mallett, who was cut last season by a team that couldn’t afford to cut any quarterbacks. He is a life raft with a giant hole in the side.
What’s new that sucks: REEFER MADNESS! Yes, after building a statue of Ray Fucking Lewis outside their stadium, drafting a guy who starved both his pet dog AND his pet alligator, and cutting ties with Ray Rice only after the rest of America discovered what he had done, this team has suddenly found religion. They openly admitted to passing over consensus No. 1 lineman Laremy Tunsil in the draft because they were scared off by his gas mask bong (they drafted Ronnie Stanley instead).
Then, in June, they cut lineman Eugene Monroe outright after he openly advocated for medicinal marijuana. He also sucked, but still: I dare you to find an organization outside of the Redskins that is clumsier when it comes to pretending to be ethical. Even Roger Goodell is more deft at hiding his shitbaggery. You’re not fooling anyone, Ravens. You are pure evil, and managing your roster like a scandalized soccer mom won’t erase the fact that you have built a lasting franchise identity around a guy who obstructed two murders and can’t dance.
In other news, the team signed Eric Weddle (good), Trent Richardson (AHAHAHAHA) and Mike Wallace (not good). Mike Wallace is a go route spoiled. And Breshad Perriman hurt his knee again. I worry that he might have chronic pain from all those knee injuries. Know what might help alleviate the pain?
Also, one of the cornerbacks died.
What has always sucked: Frankly, I’m still not over the fact that this franchise shouldn’t exist. Here we have a town that was robbed of its original team and, in a supreme act of tone-deafness, compensated for it by fucking over an even more beloved franchise. And what are we left with? The New Browns are a hideous impostor team that is terminally unable to stop shitting on its own shoes. And the Ravens are one of the most despicable franchises in sports. Did you know they even started their own pandering ladies fanclub called Purple? Yes, nothing bonds women together like burying the Ray Rice elevator video.
The existence of the Ravens is a wrong that will never be properly righted. The Browns are a comical mummy franchise, but the Ravens are a bunch of spoiled turds who win titles for a city that is most famous for letting cops use paddy wagons to play a real-life version of Mario Kart. If you need a clear sign that the world is a rotten place that isn’t worth fighting for, here you go. Fuck this team. You guys make the Steelers look like Pope Francis by comparison.
And you know what? FUCK DAVID SIMON, TOO. That’s right. I’ve had just about enough of that guy appointing himself Guardian of the Amendments. It was just a TV show, man. You are the rich man’s Nic Pizzolatto. Get the fuck outta my face.
Also, this defense is still an aging trainwreck. I think I spotted Terrell Suggs’s Achilles tendon on sale at a pawn shop last week.
What might not suck: You will not find a more obvious bounceback candidate for this coming season. If Stanley ends up being worth a shit and Flacco stays clean, the Ravens are a lock to win ten games and swipe a playoff spot from a cooler team. I hate them.
deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2016-baltimore-ravens-1784641312
